Friday, January 11, 2013

Wow... it's been a long time since the last time I posted.  Everything on Blogger is different and I hope this post even goes out!

I haven't been posting on this blog because I've been dealing with life and I took a very long break.  But I have a post in my heart and I feel like I'm probably not the only one that goes through this.  So I have decided to write it down and maybe it will reach someone out there.

I'm going to talk about weight.  Doesn't seem like it should be a relationship issue... but I think it is.  I have probably done EVERY diet in the book, what a cliche right?  How many times have you heard that exact line when someone writes about a weight loss success story?  Well this isn't that kind of post, at least not yet. I have yet to lose any weight, it seems like every time I try to lose weight I am successful a little bit, but then I'm right back where I started.  I have a major food addiction I think.  I'm not overly obese, but I LOVE food.  I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad or depressed, when I'm excited or bored.  I eat and I love tasty food.  Do I necessarily always feel good after I eat certain things?  No.  I sometimes feel horrible and sick and bloated and yucky.  Sometimes I feel happier, but it doesn't last for long.  Just like a drug addiction, I wait for the next short fix.

Having my belly issue affects my marriage because it affects my sex life.  We aren't remiss of sex, it's just that I don't always feel comfortable or sexy, and I hate that.  It's more intimate when I can let go and just enjoy the experience... but the minute I feel the jiggle or look down at the extra weight, I zone out and I don't connect with my husband like I should.  It's sad, and I know I have a few choices, do something about it, or change my way of thinking.

Maybe though, those things go hand in hand.  Maybe I need to do something about it AND change the way I think about myself?  The only thing is,  I'm scared.  I've failed SO many times that I'm afraid to let myself down again.  I have to make that lifestyle change not only for myself but for my relationship.

My husband loves me, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, but inside my mind it is so ugly that I can't help the depression that comes over me when I see the numbers on the scale or the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and it frustrates my husband.  He doesn't like that I feel that way about myself and he doesn't know what to do about it.  He tells me he doesn't understand how I can see something so different than what he sees, yet I do.  And it affects how I am behind closed doors which affects him.

I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have, but my weight does make a difference and I WANT to be a success.

So here is my accountability.  I am going on the Fat to Fit journey.  I am going to do the meal plans, continue with my exercise, take the pictures, take the measurements, and do it.  Day by day.  Inch by inch.  This isn't a new year's resolution.  It has to be a saving grace, it has to be a lifetime resolution.


I'm seeking any critique's, words of encouragement, kicks in the butt, or just thoughts. Am I alone in this?  Does anybody constantly constantly fail because they can't seem to hurdle over there own fears?

That is, if anybody even reads this blog anymore!


Monday, September 19, 2011

Validation is imcomparable

It's like you each gave me a boon to remind me that I wasn't alone. Validation is incomparable I think. It's the one thing about blogging that will always be missed. I think unless someone blogs and gives it a try for a few months, they will never really understand the depth of feeling we actually begin to feel for one another or the loss of it once we either HAVE to give it up or CHOOSE to.

You guys definitely reminded me of your friendship and love and I can't express to you how incredible your comments and personal emails were. It reminds me I'm not alone in my thinking. So if you guys ever need someone to complain to or vent or support you in anyway... I PROMISE... if my green light is on then hit me up in chat or email me... I would love to be there for you.

Here's a funny story that happened to me. We finally decided to move out of my parents basement. We found someone that would rent to us on a month to month basis because we are still looking for a more permanent job for my husband so we don't know where we would be in the future and didn't want to sign a lease only to have to try and get out of it later. So we moved across town into a house that has 4 bedrooms and 2 baths. It fit us perfectly.

They had been trying to sell the house and have had it on the market for years, so the MLS for it was old, and they told us of this but also said they weren't too worried about people wanting to look through it or buy it since it had been years and nothing had happened.

With all of this knowledge, we decided we still wanted to take the plunge, it was time to be on our own and maybe take a baby step forward from our stagnant position.

We moved in and have LOVED it. It was just the change we needed. And then...

A few weeks ago...

They call us, someone wants to look at the house, "Don't worry, nothing will probably come of it, but..."

Long story short.

The house is practically sold. So we head back to the parents basement.

It is meant to be I'm sure and if or when I'm still blogging in however many years, and my life becomes perfect, someone please remind me of this time in our lives...

It is funny now...

and Amen.

Here's my son at his football game:

He's kind of tall...


Hope you all had a good weekend!

Love,

Shelle

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Weight

I know it's been forever and for the first time in a long time, I feel like when I first started my blog and wrote about stuff on my mind, knowing nobody was really out there to read or hear it.

But I finally have something I want to write about. My loved ones and close family and friends are sick of hearing about it and so I find myself having, again, no where else to go but the vast emptiness that can make up the World Wide Web.

I got on the scale today. Up 2 more pounds. I don't know what it is about seeing that number, but it does something to me. My inner bully starts attacking my self-worth... basing it on my weight, even though I know conscientiously that my worth is based on who I am as a person, how I treat people, especially those closest to me- and how I am behind closed doors when nobody is there to watch or judge. I know it shouldn't be based off of a number a scale spews forth whenever I step on it.

So I find myself, again, telling myself this is the day I eat better. See my problem has never been, really, the exercise part. Although there has been times I have been more lacking in that area--it's always something I have tried to continue to do. This last year I have been consistent in going to CrossFit--a very intense way to work out. Barring these last few summer months... I went everyday during the week and sometimes on Saturday's. I know I got stronger, I know I lost inches, yet that scale wavered maybe one or two pounds at the most. Summer months were busy, with work, and photography, and traveling, lots and lots of traveling, I got an infection that I had to stop working out for a bit and just recently have done something to my shoulder (Not work out related). So I've still gone and worked out... but only like 3 times a week. So I KNOW my eating is what is my problem.

So I told myself today after I stepped off the scale that I am marking this day as the Day one of Finding Healthy Shelle. The infamous lifestyle change that I know is just out of my reach. I have this new resolve, yet in the back of my mind I see defeat. "Shelle you've said that before" or "I won't hold my breath". I KNOW that in order to change my body, I need to be really strict for a while and as I get to where I want to LOOK not necessarily weigh... then I can lessen up on the strict a meal or two here and there. But I am my own worst obstacle. How do I change this? What can I do mentally to make THIS time the time it works?

I know it can. I know with eating better and the exercise are an equation that just works. At my CrossFit box it has worked repeatedly. Do these people just have more control? Do I have a serious food addiction? Am I weaker? How did they do it and I seem to struggle so much?

All things I think about constantly. I don't want to be a dreamer... I want it to happen, I want it to work, I want to NOT make it such a big deal anymore.

I don't know where I was going with this. Probably no where. I just spewed forth anything that was on my mind, which is constantly on my mind, day in and day out.

Better stop now though. If there is anyone out there still getting my feeds. I hope you are doing well. I miss blogging, I really wish I had more time to do it everyday.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Totally blogging on my phone right now.

Just wanted you guys to know about this new series I'm startin on Real World Venus vs. Mars called Captured in a Relationship!

Go read about it!

Combines my love of photography with my love of learning about relationships!

Come on over!

Love,

Monday, June 6, 2011

Is it abnormal that I pay attention to that?

I've been gone.

I know.

It's been an absolute crazy, however long I've been gone, time.

I have posts to write. Things have happened. One of the biggests things is my Brother-in-Law passed away. The one with Lou Gehrigs Disease. I loved him, my husband loved his brother, everyone that knew him loves and misses him, especially his wife and children. He was the epitome of a family man. I have a post to write. And pictures to share.

Speaking of pictures, I've been super busy getting my new website up, which makes me sort of an official photographer because the website is kickin. I haven't quite got it all finished... but it's there. And I have a blog that I will be updating tons and tons with pictures and with just things about my life. I'm not sure if I'm going to just convert to that blog... or make this my thoughts blog and that my picture--heres-my-life blog. It's all up in the air. Right now it's just posts of sessions I've done and how I've felt about them. I'm kinda all excited.



All of this just means I've been working... ALOT. And it's bitter sweet. Because I need this blog as a release, yet sometimes, this blog creates pressure--if you blog, ya know what I'm talking about. So I've kinda made this a not so high priority anymore. But I still read on my reader and keep up to date with ya'll.

I did, however, want my first post back to tell you of a small experience. It's in the bathroom, at work, AGAIN.

I've told you time and time again, that I think going to the bathroom is a colossal waste of time. I hate it. It's boring.

So I hold it until the last possible minute. Well when you are trying to eat Healthy... which is not a consistent thing for me yet, but I work on it everyday of my FREAKING life, you tend to drink more water. The more water you drink, the less bloated you feel (true story), which is an AWESOME feeling... less bloated... so I was on my gotta-drink-80 oz-of-water kick and as you can imagine, when it was time to finally get up and pee, it was TIME. Well I rushed to the bathroom. Jump around getting things unzipped and pulled down. Then I start to pee. And pee. And pee. Then someone walks into the bathroom, gets in their stall, unzips and pulls down and starts peeing also.

I'm still peeing.

They finish.

I'm still peeing.

After they zip and pull everything up, open the stall door, wash their hands, and leave the bathroom.

I FINALLY finish peeing.

It HAD to be a guiness book of world records sort of record!

So question is: Is it abnormal that I even paid attention to that?

Love ya guys,

Here you Go SciFi Dad